With the news that Heroes newest addition will have the rather banal power of being able to text message with her mind (a power parents of teenagers contend with on a daily basis) drawing some uninspired sighs from the shows audience, we figured we would put together our own list of powers that would have next to no resale value on the NBC show.
– Partially invisible man. This guys talent is the ability to make the lower half of his body disappear. Which could come in handy if his pants fall down in public, but other than that he might as well be able to send emails with his brain. – Man Voiced Woman. Beautiful girl with a sinister deep voice. We’re talking Darth Vader meets the movie trailer guy. Yes, it seems kinda useless at first, but the French once did some studies on super low frequencies making people poop themselves. (Seriously!) Who would want to go up against that? – Blind/mute boy. By concentrating really hard, this young lad can lose his sight and ability to speak, which might come in handy if you’re forced to attend a Warhol exhibit with a bunch of zealots, but not very good for crime fighting. – Torrent Geek. Kind of like Hana, but he can download torrents with his brain at maximum bandwidth. Sounds cool, right? No burner! Get him outta here. – Odorless fart man. Yes, odorless fart man can fart at will for long periods of time, but since his flatulence packs no punch his attempts to dispel bad guys with copious bursts of odorless gas more resemble bizarre outtakes from a Ren and Stimpy cartoon than crime fighting. – High concept guy. Former idea man for a major network, high concept guy has the ability to take any situation and break it down to the two or three creatively superior situations that inspired it. Do not watch TV with this guy, he ruins everything. – Last but not least, spontaneous cheese man. This guy does not create cheese of the dairy variety, no… he creates cheese of the entertainment variety. Essentially he focuses his power on any great written or otherwise recorded work and it instantly becomes lame, contrived, and, well, stupid. He is currently in charge of remakes at a major Hollywood studio. Wait, while this guy doesn’t have much potential as a hero… what a great season two villain he would make.
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