The gang has been through a lot of hilarious predicaments. One hundred episodes worth. To celebrate their 100th episode, here are the 50 funniest quotes from the crew at Paddy’s Pub. “Home of the original Kitten Mittons. MEEEEOWW.”
#50 Hips and Nips
“You guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips! Otherwise I’m not eating.” -Rickety Cricket
#49 No Treasure Greater Than Trash
“You know, there was a time where I’d help you raise this little dumpster baby brother of mine like a son. But that’s gone now ’cause you ruined it. You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats! And ya know what? I found ‘em. And I’m gonna raise all of them!” -Charlie
#48 Birds of War
Well I was under the impression we were presenting ourselves as bird-MEN which, to me, is infinitely cooler than just sort of… being a bird. -Dennis
#47 No Right Context
[reading a letter Mac wrote to baseball player Chase Utley] “Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike.” Really? “I would love to meet you some day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can’t throw as fast as you but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did, and I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real ‘home run.'” -Dee
#46 A Fatty to Burn
“Mac, I’m gonna stop you right there. Your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion.” -Dee
#45 The Nightman Cometh
“Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, OK, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, OK, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?” -Charlie
#44 Wine in a Can
“By the way you guys, can I just say as a side note, I am loving this can-wine thing, I think it’s brilliant. I mean I’m active, I’m gesturing with my hands, and I don’t feel restricted. If I was holding a wine glass right now I’d be spilling wine all over the goddamn place.” -Dennis
#43 Mac Cleared Him
“I’m saying I did an ocular assessment of the situation garnered that he was not a security risk and I cleared him for passage.” -Mac
#42 Sinbad’s House
[referring to Sinbad] “I hope he’s wearing something made out of windbreaker.” -Charlie
#41 Mac’s Fatness Regimen
“As a man who works very hard to maintain a certain level of physical excellence… I find shortcuts insulting. Now give me a piece of ham now!” -Mac
#40 The Hunger
“Cannibalism? Racism? Dude that’s not for us…those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We’re just here to eat some dude.” -Charlie
#39 Delicate Flower
“Name’s Artemis. I have a bleached a**hole.” -Artemis
#38 Rat King and Son of God
“You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don’t know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don’t know, I could be, I’m not ruling it out.” -Charlie
#37 Management Training
“Charlie, you’ve got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.” -Frank
#36 Keeping Drunk Kids Safe
“You abused alcohol, and that’s OK, that’s OK, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!” -Mac
#35 Bums Making a Mess
“Masturbating bums are bad for business.” -Frank
#34 Like a Bowl of Cream
“Can I stop you, though? You keep using this word “jabroni.” And…it’s awesome!” -Charlie
#33 Political POV
“Who am I supposed to vote for? Am I supposed to vote for the Democrat who’s gonna blast me in the ass or the Republican who’s blasting my ass?” -Dennis
#32 The Sheriff of Paddy’s
“See, I’ve always got an A, B and C strike plan to get us out of any potentially life-threatening situation.” -Mac
#31 Sex Tape Central
“If you’re in my room, you’re always being filmed.” -Dennis
#30 Cat Whisperer
“Cat in the wall, eh?! Okay, now you’re talking my language.” -Charlie
#29 Mac Uncut
“I don’t appreciate being paraphrased. Now, I choose my words very deliberately.” -Mac
#28 Charlie’s Favorite Snack
“I eat stickers all the time, dude!” -Charlie
#27 Head of Security
“Fight Milk! The first alcoholic dairy based protein drink for bodyguards!” -Mac
#26 Frank and His Lady
“Stay away from my bang-maid!” -Frank
#25 Janatorial Goals
“Well, when I showed up this morning I didn’t have a formal resume on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I’m hoping to bring to this position.” -Charlie
#24 Plans for the Afterlife
“I’m not gonna be buried in a grave. When I’m dead, just throw me in the trash.” -Frank
#23 Not So Sweet Dee
“See you later, Dirt Grub and Ronnie the Rat. Hope you suck each other’s rotten peckers until you get mouth cancer.” -Dee
#22 Green Man
“Man this is crazy. You are dancing with the entire McPoyle Family. These people are freak shows, man…freaks. But you’re keeping your cool. You’re keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.” -Charlie
#21 Mantis Toboggan
“I got my Magnum condoms; I got my wad of hundreds. I’m ready to plow.” -Frank
#20 Charlie’s Other Lawyerings
“Then, I’ll just regress, because I feel I made myself perfectly redundant.” -Charlie
#19 Time to Intervene
“Well, I don’t know how many years on this Earth I got left. I’m gonna get real weird with it.” -Frank
#18 The Role of Power Bottoms
“Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he’s supposed to apply. Speed’s the name of the game. Right, buddy?” -Dennis
#17 Dee’s Double Drop
“I’m not asking you to do much, just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.” -Dee
#16 Billboard, Bro.
“I think the problem here is that your body quit. Your bird quit. And, unfortunately, it’s no longer legit.” -Mac
#15 Charlie Dances His Ass Off
“Cream always rises to the top. And I’m about to show you the white hot cream of an eighth grade boy.” -Charlie
#14 Body Mass Alone…
“I’m not fat. I’m cultivating mass.” -Mac
#13 False Prophet Love Story
“Here’s a confession: I’m in love with a man. What? I’m in love with a man. A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha!” -Charlie
#12 Dee on Defense
“I will eat your babies, bitch!” -Dee
#11 Cat Law
“Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.” – Charlie
#10 Dennis on Dating
“Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese.” – Dennis
#9 Charlie Kelly, aka Captain Planet
“This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way.” -Charlie
#8 Brown is the New Black for Mac
“I browned out that evening.” -Mac
#7 Charlie’s Favorite Food
“I’ll have the milk steak, boiled over hard. And your finest jelly beans, raw.” -Charlie
#6 Dennis on Dreams
“You know what, Dee? I don’t wanna hear about your dreams, okay? I hate listening to people’s dreams. It’s like flipping through a stack of old photographs. If I’m not in any of ’em and nobody’s having sex, I just- I don’t care.” -Dennis
#5 Jobs Don’t Grow on Jobbies
“Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies?!” -Charlie
#4 Witch Slave
“Sorcery?! Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are.” -Dee
#3 Mac Makes the News
“And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering. Which, of course, leads to karate.” -Mac
#2 Spa, Spaghetti Day
“What is this word, spa? I feel like you’re starting to a say a word and you’re not finishing it. Are you trying to say spaghetti? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?” -Charlie
#1 Charlie Goes America
[Singing] “I’m gonna rise up. I’m gonna kick a little ass. Gonna kick some ass in the U.S.A. Gonna climb a mountain. Gonna sew a flag. Gonna fly on an eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt. I’m gonna drive a big truck. I’m gonna rule this world. I’m gonna kick some ass. I’m gonna rise up. I’m gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!” -Charlie
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
