Tonight on The Bachelorette, Ali traveled to Tahiti for some steamy hut-loving with her final three guys. And things were getting serious. The only thing she packed more of than bikinis were feelings. But there was just one problem: Frank was busy getting busy with his ex-girlfriend, and instead of going on their scheduled sailing date, Frank sailed into Tahiti and crushed Ali’s spirit with a SHOCKING revelation (if you don’t have the Internet) that he was in love with his ex (now ex-ex) Nicole.
BOOM goes the die-inside-nomite! (I’m sorry. That joke was terrible.)
And, speaking of terrible, I bring you my picks for the winners and the losers of tonight’s Bachelorette episode in Tahiti (I’m guessing YOU can guess who is definitely classified as a loser):
The Winners
Roberto
This is my feelings baseball.
He already looked like Mr. Perfect before Frank went and made himself into Mr. The-Worst. Now Roberto is not just the only guy left standing who has never given Ali a single reason to question him or their relationship–he’s the stable, emotionally available and romantic guy Ali will convince herself she needs to get over the insecurities that Frank brought to the surface. For the guy who somehow does and says everything right, watching the competition self-destruct must be sweet. And it’s not just that: Roberto IS sweet. And hot. And miraculously un-cheesy for all the romantic things he says. (Maybe it’s because of how pretty he is.) On their date in Tahiti, he proved once again that he is all the things that Ali raves about and wants. The only reason left for her NOT to choose him is that she’s not willing to let herself be happy. And if that’s the case, he’s probably better off anyway. Even if Ali (somehow, stupidly, ridiculously, impossibly) does not choose him in the finale, this guy’s set for life–either as the next Bachelor, or as the next Reid Rosenthal: Jillian’s ultimate “one who got away,” who’s now dating Miss America. So whatever way next week’s finale shakes out, Roberto is full of win.
Chris
Chris, you are MY pearl in the dark, slimy clam that is The Bachelorette.
I take that back: The only reason left for Ali NOT to choose Roberto is if she chooses Chris, because Chris is also (still) the best. His love affair with the word “like” aside, he’s totally invested and engaged with Ali, and I genuinely believe him when he says that Ali makes him happier than he’s ever felt about a girl. You can see it in his face. He’s in love, and he seemed legitimately surprised by the invitation to the “Fantasy Suite”: If that’s not a win in the most basic sense, I don’t know what is. But Ali doesn’t rave about Chris the way she does about Roberto. She doesn’t get that silly, goofy grin on her face that she gets around Roberto–and that Chris gets around her. And when they kiss (and when I’m not covering up my eyes with my hands and saying “Not my business!”) it looks awkward. SHe’s just not that into him, and it’s a shame, because he’s sensitive, and adorable, and vulnerable, and entirely invested. This week, that makes him a winner. But next week? I fear for you, Chris. And I want you to know that when this is all over, you can come be my boyfriend anytime.
Tahiti
Pretty!
Tahiti, you are beautiful. I want to go to you RIGHT NOW, and I’m willing to bet that brides-to-be all around America just texted their fiances saying, “Honeymoon: Heart-shaped island in Tahiti, OR ELSE.” Enjoy the tourism bump!
The Losers
Frank
My thoughts exactly.
Sure, he found his “true love,” but at what cost? Oh, what am I even saying? I never liked Frank, so this really doesn’t change much–except now I have the satisfaction of having seen him weep. Bye, Frank! How about one last nitpick for the road? It’s “SHE and I,” not “HER and I.” Good luck getting your brilliant (almost definitely hardcore sci-fi) screenplays snatched up.
OK, but listen. What BuddyTV user happyy wrote today on my latest of many Frank rants compels me to say this: Everything I’ve written about Frank this season is exaggerated for your entertainment. And it’s important to note that the vision we’ve gotten of him on this show is merely a carefully constructed shade of who he actually is as a real person. The “Frank” I dislike is a character on a TV show. I wish him no ill will in real life. (Nor anyone else on this or any other reality show, for that matter. Reality shows are not real life.) Frank the character was my kryptonite this season, and I apologize to all the Frank-lovers if my silly ravings gave you any sort of serious grief. And Frank did some things right tonight, I’ll admit it: He cares deeply about people, he’s honest and considerate and passionate, and he handled a screwed-up situation in the best way he knew how. He’s not a bad guy. But, unfortunately for Frank, it’s a better Bachelorette storyline when he is.
Nicole
Him?
What do you do when the love of your life (who is also a manager at the Gap who lives in his parents’ basement, WHOOPS) just became one of the most UGH-ed men in America, and evil bloggers make up goblin-based nicknames for him? Cover your face with your hair so that nobody will remember what you look like and hope for the best, I guess is what you do. Good luck, Nicole. I don’t know a thing about you, and I may not like your boyfriend, but everyone deserves to find happiness in this world. Though everyone also deserves to not have their reconciliation conversation with their neurotic ex-boyfriend aired on another girl’s love-journey TV show.
Ali
Why does the Bachelorette casting department hate me so much?
Poor Ali. The only thing worse than getting dumped and crying until your eyes are all puffy is getting dumped and crying until your eyes are all puffy on national television, with a handler asking you pointed questions about whether this betrayal makes you wonder if you will die alone. SHE GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO BE HERE.
Eleanor Roosevelt
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” But a reality show can take a quote from one of the most respected, influential feminists of this century and use it to explain the developments in a fabricated soap opera starring a woman who thinks she needs a man (and FAST) to be complete? I’m sorry, Eleanor Roosevelt. And that woman didn’t even bother to cite you when she used your quote? I’m sorry again, Eleanor Roosevelt. You were so rad, and now that quote is basically ruined for me, and we both deserve better than that.
Who do you think are the winners and losers of tonight’s episode? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The Office, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.
