But not really.

The inexplicably ubiquitous tween star did, however, go down in a hail of bullets on last night’s CSI. Prepare yourself for much YouTube glee and viral forwarding.

Just a disclaimer for anyone expecting a detailed and sensitive synopsis of the CSI episode and Justin Bieber’s performance: I haven’t seen it. I didn’t see Bieber’s previous CSI episode either. All knowledge imparted below comes merely from (repeated) viewing of a video clip.

If you’re too lazy to go search for the Death of Bieber or don’t want to wait for your Bieber-hating friends to send the link to you, feel free to watch the bloody demise below:

In the clip, Bieber’s character, the evil delinquent Jason McCann, looks about ready to surrender when he pulls out a gun to shoot at a bunch of police types. The shots, alas, are as ineffectual as an attempt to quell Bieber Fever. Young Master McCann gets shot by the more numerous guns. Many times.

It seems, from a perusal of episode descriptions, that the character of Jason McCann was introduced on an earlier episode of CSI, in which he was under investigation for bombing and such. I’m going to guess, from the ending to the character, that he was guilty.

That said, I have no interest in finding out exactly what Justin Bieber did to get him to the point of excessive bloodshed. It’s much more entertaining to speculate on unlikely causes. Such as:

  • Bieber was taken down by over-enthusiastic patriots irritated by the young man’s stance on the American healthcare system.
  • The hail of bullets was merely retribution for inflicting “Baby” on us.
  • The shooters were parents forced to attend screenings of Never Say Never with their mesmerized daughters.
  • Hidden behind those cops’ sunglasses were the assembled forces of the Jonas Brothers and the cast of High School Musical.
  • The hair-challenged among us thought that death by firing squad would damage those perfect locks. (It didn’t.)

Or maybe it was just his time. After all, as every New Kid on the Block and Backstreet Boy knows, the days of a tween idol must always and forever be numbered.

(Image and video courtesy of CBS)

Laurel Brown

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Laurel grew up in Mamaroneck, NY, Grosse Pointe, MI and Bellevue WA. She then went on to live in places like Boston, Tucson, Houston, Wales, Tanzania, Prince Edward Island and New York City before heading back to Seattle. Ever since early childhood, when she became addicted to The Muppet Show, Laurel has watched far too much TV. Current favorites include Chuck, Modern Family, Supernatural, Mad Men and Community. Laurel received a BA in Astrophysics (yes, that is possible) from Colgate University and a PhD in Middle Eastern Studies and History of Science from Columbia University before she realized that television is much better than studying.