It’s been a topsy-turvy week for Bachelor Nation, with the high of King Kupah drama, stand-up comedy and boxing knockouts tempered by the low of the news that it’s a trip to Splitsville for Chris and Whitney after a mere two months of being engaged.
“Whitney Bischoff and Chris Soules have mutually and amicably decided to end their engagement,” a rep said in a statement. “They part with nothing but respect and admiration for one another and will continue to be supportive friends. They wish to thank everyone who has supported them through this journey.”
You’d think that respect and admiration would be a solid foundation, but alas, it is rumored that Soules was cheating while participating on Dancing with the Stars, while Bischoff was reportedly having doubts about moving to Podunk, Iowatown. Additionally, some of Soules’ closest relatives sounded off about never having met his fiancee.
So another one bites the dust, though it was good while it lasted (for us, anyway). While she wasn’t my favorite contestant of the season (miss you, Jade Roper!), I genuinely thought she was the best choice considering what Chris was looking for. But you can’t shuck your corn in someone else’s silo and expect things to work.
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Back to the Present
Zadie Smith once said, “The past is always tense, the future perfect” (grammar puns!), so let’s not dwell on that which is depressing, and instead focus on Kaitlyn’s still real chance for televised fairy tale love, however slim it may be.
But before we can get to the rose distribution so unceremoniously cut from the previous episode (it’s my pet peeve when they end on a cliffhanger) and the ridiculously bad idea of having the guys sumo wrestle, we first must deal with this King Kupah nonsense.
If you recall, the Mario Bros. villain confronted Kaitlyn about their lack of connection and his fear of being the token minority, prompting her to call him out for basically ignoring her while training with Laila Ali. He responded by sipping his whiskey, calling her hot a couple times, sounding off to the guys, refusing to leave, getting verbally and physically aggressive with the cameraman conducting his exit interview and asserting that the only reason he is leaving is because he’s black. Kaitlyn rushed outside, and that’s where we pick up the action.
Stomping Kupah
Kupah continues his rant, then basically erupts in tears when Kaitlyn and her backless and sideless dress emerge. She tells him to man up and accept his fate instead of causing a scene, and he promises not to yell anymore. Then he whispers curses in her direction, proclaims he doesn’t like her anymore and says she talked to him like she thinks he has chlamydia (spits). But he’s been “dissed by uglier girls, homie,” so it’s all good in the hood. He and his drink hop in the limo.
Kaitlyn is angry, and she doesn’t have patience for this shit. So that’s it; the rest of this party is canceled and we’re jumping right to the rose ceremony. Don’t ask when we’re gonna get there again or I will turn this car around!
Boxing champ Ben Z., caricature Clint and jerk-of-all-trades JJ already have roses. The remaining flowers go to:
Concussed Love-Man Jared
Buble Ben H.
Ryan Gosling impersonator Shawn B.
Auto spokesman Jonathan
Tissue Tanner
Cupcake Chris
Disney princess Ryan B. (we still know nothing about this dude other than he called Britt a Disney princess)
Justin Aurelius
President of the Kaitlyn fan club Ian (see, Kupah? Still two black guys in the mix)
Every-metal-rose-has-its-thorn welder Joshua
Moonshine Joe
Volleyball Corey
Zenmaster Tony
And so the man who left his business, his pooch and his bonsai trees behind lives to date another day, though I can’t imagine he’ll survive the next round of cuts unless someone really screws up. Looking at you, JJ.
It also means we’re saying goodbye to fashion designer Daniel (I blame the capris pants) and other-Cory Cory. All we know about him is that he has a daughter and didn’t want to leave. Dude didn’t even get a group date.
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Yokozunalorette
World champion sumo wrestlers Biyamba and Yama (he’s a Japanese record 600 pounds of makizushi) roll up on bicycles in the wee hours of the morning and bang a gong to wake up the suitors. The group date card goes to Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe and Shawn, who must change into the diaper thong that is traditional of the sumo.
They’ll be wrestling in front of the other guys and Kaitlyn, who reiterates that she just wants to have fun with no drama while again making the guys fight each other. Pixilated backsides abound as the guys get a stomping lesson, with JJ commenting that Tony has a non-existent ass. Kaitlyn shields her eyes from all the junk on display, with particular emphasis on Joe’s left nut.
They first square off against the pro, getting tossed around like rag dolls before it’s finally Tony’s turn. He’s fired up and gives it his all, but he storms off after the loss, obviously bothered. Kaitlyn gives chase, and he expresses his displeasure over all the date challenges involving aggression when he’s such a peaceful guy. His argument has some validity, but it’s impossible to give him credence when he says, “I want to show you the multiple sides of me,” with a pixilated crotch.
She protests that he didn’t have to participate, because for her, it was a fun way to laugh at themselves and not about the violence. If he wasn’t going home before, he’s likely sealed his fate now. JJ in particular takes offense to the unhappiness, so he walks over to flex his partially-exposed nuts and immediately escalates the situation, with the decidedly un-Zenmaster Tony shouting expletives. Ian tries to diffuse, but Tony is far too intense. Still, instead of eliminating him immediately, Kaitlyn gives him a hug.
The Tournament Begins
The date continues with a round-robin sumo wrestling exhibition, and five robed contenders, sans Tony, bike their way over to the ring. Kaitlyn opens the tournament by taking on Biyamba, who lets her win so as not to end the season with a premature death. Then it’s time for the “fun,” as Kaitlyn calls it.
JJ and Joe are up first, with the moonshine coming out on top, much to JJ’s “I’m going to sumo the shit out of him” dismay. Then Clint, who was a wrestler in college, starts picking people up and slamming them down outside the ring, easily dispatching both Joe and JJ. He then takes a selfie with a group of girls and makes them say “Clint is a nightmare” instead of “cheese.” Charming.
We don’t get to see Shawn or Chris get in the ring, but I assume Clint at least body-slammed the cupcake. I would have been interested to see how Shawn and Clint matched up, though.
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The Zenmaster Cometh, and the Zenmaster Goeth
Back at the house, Tony continues his profanity-laced rage about the “who has the biggest d*ck in the house” group dates, because he just wants to go to the zoo. He decides he’s totally done, and he bails. But first, he wants to explain himself to Kaitlyn.
He meets her at her hotel, presenting her with a posie before telling her he can’t participate in this circus any longer. And if she truly has a desire to find out what’s inside his heart, he’s easily found. But she agrees this isn’t for him, and he’s not for her. Ballgame.
To Approach or Not to Approach
The evening part of the group date continues, with the dentist pulling Kaitlyn aside to provide assurances that he’s there for her and to plant some smooches. JJ chats up Clint about how good she looks in leather pants and how excited he is for some alone time, and Clint says he’s just going to hang back and let Kaitlyn come to him. JJ correctly thinks that’s a terrible idea, but Clint is going with it anyway.
JJ and Kaitlyn yuck it up, with her expressing appreciation for his multi-faceted goofy dad persona. She sits down next to Clint, who aloofly gazes off, and Shawn grabs the opportunity to steal her away. He has real feelings and wishes they had more time to spend together, and he’s fallen quick and hard for Kaitlyn. More kisses ensue, and the first-impression rose recipient is awarded the group date rose as well. Man, this chick is a fan of the makeout.
Clint is frustrated that he didn’t get it because Kaitlyn had more than enough time to pull him aside. She calls him out for being “too cool” and ignoring her all day, which she says is a problem. He tells the camera that he’s coming to the realization that she’s not the girl for him, but he won’t leave because there’s still relationships with some of the guys that he’s enjoying, particularly JJ, who is a “good dude” with “a lot of levels.” Cue the bromance.
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Pigeons and Maggots and Snakes, Oh My
Kaitlyn is desperate to escape all the drama, so she lets Chris Harrison plan the one-on-one date. She picks up boxing champ Ben Z. (she dubs him a “babe soda” and momma thirsty) at the mansion, and they drive to a warehouse for “The Basement: A Live Escape Room Experience.” Relationships require trust, so they’ll be locked in a pigeon-filled room where they’ll have to work together, gather clues and figure out the unlocking code. Unless, of course, they get pecked to death or saturated with the bacteria covering those disgusting winged rats.
She hates birds and freaks out, which gives Ben the opportunity to soothe her with sweet talk and make her feel safe and protected. It’s more of a horror movie scene than a bird den, though, with flickering lights, blood-covered walls, cockroaches, maggots, a snake-infested bathroom and a body moving on the bed. They have 45 minutes before “the gas is released,” and it actually seems like it’d be really cool and fun if Kaitlyn wasn’t being such a baby.
Her fear is a touch adorable, though, and then it’s a kiss that leads to the crucial clue. The password to the key code is (shockingly) “roses,” and they escape with literally one second to go. Edge-of-your-seat suspense, I’m telling you. Like the movie Panic Room, but without any fear of consequence, even though they’re both acting like their lives are on the line. It’s like riding the Tower of Terror and actually believing you’re staying at a hotel, which I admit is a role I relish playing every time I’m at Disney.
Replacing Roaches with Romance
They head back to Kaitlyn’s digs for a night of pizza and wine, and they discuss their fears. He plays the tough guy but claims he’s emotional, only that it’s all internal. He tells a story about walking the dog and returning to learn that his mom had passed, but he refused to cry because he felt that he needed to be strong for his dad and his brother. His only regret in life is that he didn’t cry that day, and he hasn’t cried since. He’s hopeful that this experience will help him open up.
They lock lips for a bit, then strip down and hop in the hot tub with some champagne before she gives him the rose. He happily accepts, believing that love might be in the cards.
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Avoid the Clap, Jimmy Dugan
Because that’s good advice, kids, and there’s no crying in Bachelor Sex Ed. The final group date card — Let’s Learn to Love — arrives, and Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jared and Tanner will be teaching Mrs. Korman’s elementary school students about the birds and the bees.
The lesson plan and highlights are as follows:
Ryan (Anatomy): He repeatedly points out where the vagina is, in addition to identifying the bladder, the anus and the butt. He also tells a student who asks about the clitoris that he should know where it is if he wants girls to like him. He says, “It’s what is stimulated on the female, and that’s what makes her want to have sex with you again,” prompting the actual teacher to point out such talk is a bit confusing for a lot of men.
Jonathan (Question): “What are the bases?” “How many positions are there for sex?” “What is a wet dream?” “What’s a condom?” Meanwhile, Kaitlyn reveals to us that it’s all a prank, and these kids are actually child actors, though we never get to see her reveal this to the guys.
Tanner (Contraception): He puts a condom on a banana.
Jared (Male puberty): All we see from him is a confused facial expression and the rapped line, “When you get a hair on your ball, you know who to call.”
Josh (Female puberty): First of all, he calls them tam-pens, like Tampa but with an “ens” at the end, which he compares to a torpedo. Then he opens by saying, “Girls, don’t be freaked out, but the lining of your uterus is going to shed. It kind of, like, dies.” He requires help from Mrs. Korman.
Ben H. (Reproduction): He tells the story of mommy and daddy being in love, which starts with daddy getting out of a limo. He’s straightforward, honest and knowledgeable, and he employs Kaitlyn as his assistant to describe how a baby is made. And that is why he’s my pre-season favorite.
And after that performance, Kaitlyn expects Ben to bring the heat tonight. Because if he does, it’s game on.
Putting Lessons into Practice
The date continues atop a hotel rooftop, and Josh steals her first. He was shy in high school and didn’t have his first kiss until college because he didn’t know how to approach the opposite sex, so he tells Kaitlyn that he’s never been in love and was a late bloomer. She now understands why their relationship is moving a bit slower, but the clock is ticking, and the welder needs to step up to stick around.
Ben, who feels uncomfortable in the group setting, points out the Die Hard building before talking about all his work with needy kids. They dance and kiss, and he dips her mid-peck. And even though he doesn’t drop her, she falls hard.
Kaitlyn brings Jared back to her hotel room as a reward for being knocked out by Ben Z., and she finds his black eye incredibly hot, even entertaining the idea of punching him once it’s gone. It must be music to Tony’s ears because it’s clear she’s turned-on by the machismo and the guy who literally fights for her. The challenges make even more sense now, as everyone knows a good jealous rage is the foundation of a solid relationship. (What can I say, I’m a lover, not a fighter.)
Jared talks about his parents and then kisses her, and she’s a big fan. Of all the guys, this one is a man, she coos. All 175 pounds of him. It’s Love-Man to the rescue. Worst-ever Avengers assemble.
Then she turns around and gives the rose to Ben, and that’s how Love-Man becomes a supervillain. The seed is planted. You heard it here first.
Broseidon, God of the Brocean
The JJ/Clint brosicle continues to freeze over, with the two of them speculating that they weren’t on the educational date because they’re so much smarter than everyone else. They cook together, play in the pool (stopping just short of one-team chicken fights) and pop each other’s back pimples in the shower.
They continue stroking each other’s, uh, egos, chilling in the hot tub and talking about being obsessed with turtles. They strum guitars and gaze at each other, and Clint plucks JJ’s heartstrings. They admit to getting too close, in the room and in the shower, but Clint feels a stronger connection with JJ than he does with Kaitlyn. It turns out they both found love in a hopeless place after all.
Guess what, JJ’s daughter? You’re about to become the star of a My Two Dads reboot. Paging Paul Reiser and that other guy.
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Brohemian Rhapsody
As the cocktail party begins, it’s Han Brolo and Selena Bromez versus the world, with JJ ready to see five guys get whacked so he and Clint can start logging serious quality time. Kaitlyn enters with a glass of wine and tells them she goes to sleep with the biggest smile on her face every night, but she’s heard there’s been tension in the house and feels that a few guys have taken a step back.
Clint, worried that he won’t get a rose and will be separated from his Leonardbro Dicapribro, is the first to steal her away. He tells her his sumo instructor adjusted his diaper so much that his balls got lodged up inside him, and then on the night date, he didn’t have the balls to talk to her. She laughs it off and takes this all as a good sign, but she doesn’t know it’s really all about his special Wolfgang Amadeus Brozart. He even fully admits that he has no feelings for Kaitlyn. More like Broby Dick.
Justin Aurelius talks about the dynamics of the house, setting himself up to be the tattletale of the season, then steals a kiss while Bro DiMaggio and Broey Deschanel spy and speculate that Justin is actually tasting Clint’s Jamo on the rocks. “Villains gotta vil,” they say, because the smartest bros make up the most words. They are officially Napoleon Bronaparte and Brosef Stalin at this point.
Ian, Jared and Joshua jump on the board the Snitchmobile, with only the welder being ballsy enough to drop actual names. But yes, he says, Brorack Brobama and Teddy Brosevelt are the two-faced outliers, here for the wrong reasons.
Kaitlyn is immediately pissed-off and stalks off to rectify the situation, even asking Josh if he has anything else to say about Clint, because he won’t be seeing him again. She pulls Brobo Baggins aside, calling him one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history (I guess first impressions are spot-on after all … why do I doubt myself?), and it’s to be continued. Again.
Brocky Balbroa vs. Bropollo Creed and the Return of Nick
Things apparently get heated next time, with Bro Nye the Science Guy demanding to know who ratted him out before nearly coming to fisticuffs with former love interest Don Quibrote. We also get a preview of Nick’s long-awaited return, which doesn’t stand to sit well with the remaining gents. Then it’s a closing credits scene of everyone joking about moonshine Joe’s dangling nut, which one guy attempts to spray with suntan lotion.
Ben H. remains my favorite, though I have to admit co-favorite welder Josh has dropped a bit due to his social awkwardness. He’s just not comfortable getting in there and laying one on her, poor guy. Who are your favorites? Are you on the Ben Z. bandwagon? What about Shawn, who is another popular favorite?
And what was so wrong with dramatic rose ceremonies ending the show? What’s up with this trend of starting off with one and then ending with some sort of confrontation. No, sir, I do not like it one bit. It’s like ESPN redesigning its home page. Some things just don’t need fixing. And it makes it much harder to come up with a poll question.
You can watch The Bachelorette every Monday at 8pm on ABC.
(Image courtesy of ABC)
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
Emmy-winning news producer & former BuddyTV blogger. Lover of Philly sports, Ned, Zoe, Liam and Delaine…not in that order
