Kaitlyn’s journey for happily-a-few-months-probably-after is coming to a close on the The Bachelorette, with the finale of the 11th season and the “After the Final Rose” shows just around the corner. But before we find out who loses the Nick-Shawn dude feud, we’ve got one very special episode on tap.
And not even the fact that I just got home from 12 hours of driving in traffic sandwiched around a wedding that had no dancing can quell my excitement over what promises to be an explosive “Men Tell All.” In addition to all the guys who damn near lost their minds, it’s also the first chance 20 or so once-potential Mr. Bristowes can confront the object of their collective affection about her sleeping with the enemy.
I know a lot of you think Kaitlyn is the worst Bachelorette ever during the worst season ever, but I’m not going to lie. It’s actually been one of my favorites and incredibly entertaining.
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Bring on the Guys
Chris Harrison introduces the men who have decided to partake, and the group consists of drunkie Ryan M., zenmaster Tony, volleyball Corey, King Kupah, toolbox Ian, other-Cory Cory, welder Joshua, auto spokesman Jonathan, bromancer Clint, Justin Aurelius, bromancer JJ, tissue Tanner, moonshine Joe, cupcake Chris, boxing champ Ben Z., Love-Man Jared and next Bachelor Ben H.
Then it’s time for an extended preview of the summer’s best show, Bachelor in Paradise, which is chock full of tears, wails, raccoons and, apparently, girls who love Jared. There are no words I can write that encapsulate how happy I am to be recapping it, and it promises to be must-watch garbage in the best way imaginable. Paradise Hotel remains my favorite reality show of all time, and incorporating it into Bachelor Nation just makes my day. And then there’s Jade. Love me some Jade.
Before we start addressing topics, it’s time for a quick recap of the controversies. There’s Ryan’s wastedness, JJ’s instigating, the bromance, Nick’s entrance, Joshua’s downfall and Ian’s love of self. Now who wants to say what?
Ian’s Groveling
Tanner leads the charge, bashing Ian for disrespecting the guys and Kaitlyn, and for his exit, recommending that Princeton teach a class in not being an asshole. Corey, though, sticks up for Ian, saying he agrees with the message and that Kaitlyn didn’t take her responsibilities seriously.
That offends Buble Ben, who defends Kaitlyn’s honor and takes a shot at Corey for not lasting long enough to even get to know her. He adds that those who did were very happy she was their Bachelorette.
Ian responds by taking off his jacket, walking to the middle of the studio, dropping to the floor and apologizing. He’s on his knees begging for forgiveness, and he’s even sorry to his mom. It’s a decent attempt to save face, but that’s all it is.
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Clint the Lightning Rod
People apparently didn’t get along with Clint, who Corey says was great the first night but then flipped the arrogant switch. Clint starts off by establishing his straightness, then says he was just being confident and was always non-exclusionary. JJ claims that their villain talk was tongue-in-cheek that was misconstrued by the show.
“We talked for hours because we are intellectually curious about each other,” he says, before Kupah hijacks the conversation to talk about Nick. He thinks it was unfair to subject the guys who put their lives on hold to someone who had a previous relationship with her. Chris, JJ and Clint defend her decision, pointing out that it’s not a game show and she needed to turn over every stone.
Clint takes a moment to bash Josh for valuing his own opinions over Kaitlyn’s when he had his “man’s intuition” moment, before Kupah reiterates that Kaitlyn should have left the show if she wanted to consider dating Nick.
Josh was offended because Kaitlyn said, “I honestly see my husband in this room,” several times, then brought in an outsider, which is ridiculous because she was still getting to know everyone. Wishful thinking and hopeful speculation are different from a statement that is clearly not meant to be taken literally.
JJ to the Hot Seat
JJ, blissfully unaware that he’s about to get his ass beaten a few hours from now, gets his turn as the center of attention, kicked off with a montage of his relationships with Kaitlyn and Clint, his flip-flop before Clint’s departure and the subsequent tears and self-slaps. “Suck it up, bitch.”
He admits he didn’t watch that episode, and he’s ashamed over his actions and has regretted that moment ever since. “As strange as it may seem to everybody, Kaitlyn really liked you,” Chris Harrison hilariously says in a moment that doesn’t get nearly as much laughter as it deserves. But the bromance took JJ’s eyes off the prize, and he and Kaitlyn lost momentum.
Jared calls JJ an acquired taste, to which JJ responds, “Like a fine wine,” becoming the first person to ever call a delicious wine an acquired taste. But Corey, who is talking more than he did all season, makes it quite clear that he is not a fan of JJ, who attributes the dislike to his bringing a “hockey locker room” sense of humor that others took as denigration. And he regrets not being more sensitive.
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Paging Ben Z.
The ladies love that bear of a man, but in the end, it wasn’t meant to be for him and Kaitlyn. His montage focuses on the death of his mom and the fact that he keeps all his emotions on the inside, not having cried for nearly 15 years. They seemed like they had a great connection and he was blindsided when he was sent packing, so what went wrong?
We get to see lot more of his exit interview than we did previously, and even if his eyes remain dry, there’s definitely some tears in the audience. He speculates that he started to pull back after the pretend funeral date because his past prevented him from approaching it in a lighthearted manner. From this experience, he’s learned that it’s okay to open up, even early in a relationship.
He doesn’t doubt that there was a connection, but he’d like to ask Kaitlyn if, given more time, they could have developed something. Judging from the audience reaction, Chris Harrison doesn’t think he’ll have any trouble finding love in the future.
A Superhero in Peril
Jared’s tale of woe is up next, as Love-Man has been unable to get over Kaitlyn. He was a surprise to make it as far as he did, but he carved out a little niche in her heart that I didn’t anticipate. They shared a lot of fantastic moments, and he fell head over heels before she kicked him to the curb. He went out like a gentleman, even offering her his jacket and saving the waterworks for the limo, niceties that made her question her own judgment.
He was confident with the relationship they had, but he recognizes that going into a rose ceremony with Nick, Shawn and Ben H. leaves anyone vulnerable. It’s been hard for him to watch the show, and he’s had a difficult time accepting that he’ll never get to hold her hand or kiss her again. He’s not yet over her, but he’s moving on. And he got rid of the patchy beard.
Luckily for him, he’s about to have a few ladies vying for his affection.
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The Bronze Medal Winner
History shows that the third-place finisher is the likeliest choice as the next Bachelor, so how is Buble Ben handling rejection? Even though he’s missing Kaitlyn, he can’t take for granted that this experience allowed him to open up emotionally again.
Watching it opens up all the feelings for him that were so real, and he still has a fear and insecurity of being unlovable, but their relationship validated him. His rationale is that Kaitlyn had stronger feelings towards other guys, but he still has love and respect for her.
He recounts the story of Kaitlyn’s late-night visit to his and Shawn’s room in San Antonio, where they hung out for six hours sans cameras and microphones. He left to shower, and when he returned, he knew he was an outsider in some way. But still, they managed to progress their relationship after that.
Commence Slut-Shaming
It’s finally time for Kaitlyn to join the party, and she’s likely to face some rather difficult questions and accusations. But first, Chris Harrison wants to discuss gender rules and her controversial decisions. She stands by her actions and welcomes the discussion, but the widespread hate has been hurtful to her and her family. The thousands and thousands of comments that have been generated is not okay, and she’s even received death threats.
Chris reads the following tweets to illustrate the point, poor grammar and all:
“Your the worst #bachelorette ever in history you’re a little #whore so shut your little whore mouth. #slut”
Really? Who hashtags whore and slut?
“Kaitlyn, you need to unspread your whore legs and shut your [redacted] filthy diseased mouth and [redacted] off.”
“Kaitlyn is a selfish whore with no morals and a pathetic excuse for a human being!! She should just crawl in a hole and die. I hope the fans break her spirit so that our kids can see that whoring behavior isn’t rewarded. I can’t wait to see Kaitlyn cry like a little BITCH. She’s a dirty WHORE who treats people like [redacted].”
The crowd and the guys offer their support, and it’s funny to me that the writer of the third note, a mother, has such a problem with “whoring behavior” yet thinks it’s perfectly fine to write those words and cyberbully. Hopefully, you now understand why I’ve been critical of the slut-shaming and gender double standards. But if you read those comments and say, “Yep,” well, then there’s no need to discuss it further.
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The Guys Get Their Turn
Jared doesn’t have any regrets, but he wishes they had been able to have a cocktail party to discuss the progress of their relationship before the rose ceremony that sent him home. For her part, Kaitlyn doesn’t think extra time would have changed anything, but his chivalry broke her heart.
Ben H. only has one question, wondering why she opened up to Shawn about her tryst with Nick and not everyone else, and if it meant she already knew those were her final two. She responds that she compartmentalized each relationship, and because of Shawn’s trust issues, she felt a particular responsibility to be honest with him. That doesn’t mean she didn’t feel that way about Ben, and given time, she would have told him as well.
She details her past relationship with Nick, which wasn’t romantic in nature, and she never expected him to show up in the middle of the show. Jonathan wants to know how she could say repeatedly that she believed her husband was in the room and then bring in another guy, and she points out that he voted for Britt.
Corey makes a ridiculous analogy about each guy bringing other girls they were talking to along for the ride, and while JJ supports Kaitlyn’s decision and could clearly tell she had a connection with Nick, Tanner understands the move but disagrees with her delivery and the distraction it caused. Kaitlyn advises them to try to date 25 people at once while on camera, because it’s hard.
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Time and Temperature from TD Bank
The final commercial break ends with America’s Most Convenient Bank telling me that it’s 12:56 and 100 degrees (It is 12:56 nowhere), and then Kaitlyn asks Ryan if he’s horned up. He responds by apologizing for blowing it the first night, and he gives Kaitlyn a hug, a kiss and a rose.
She asks Clint why he didn’t treat her the way he treated JJ and if the two of them are “complicated” on Facebook. He does not take kindly to the gay jokes.
Ian hands over an apology note and say he’s sorry, particularly for any backlash she may have received as a direct result of his comments.
And now, bloopers:
— Joe interrupts a love diatribe because he is “about to piss himself,” and he hobbles off to relieve himself in the woods.
— Kaitlyn is terrified of pigeons.
— Chris Harrison strokes a stuffed swan.
— Amy Schumer calls JJ Colonel Sanders and says God wants him to take a fist to the balls.
— A bunch of people almost fall down.
— A sumo wrestler belly flops next to Tony.
— A bug flies into Kaitlyn’s mouth.
Next up are Kaitlyn’s final dates, the meeting of the family and the decision. Will it be Nick or Shawn? Stay tuned.
You can watch The Bachelorette season 11 finale on Monday, July 27 at 8pm on ABC.
(Image courtesy of ABC)
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
Emmy-winning news producer & former BuddyTV blogger. Lover of Philly sports, Ned, Zoe, Liam and Delaine…not in that order
