Tonight marks Steve Carell’s last episode of The Office. (Nooooo!)
Today, we take a look back at some of Michael Scott’s most vital life lessons from his tenure at Dunder Mifflin. So grab your “World’s Best Boss” mug, put on a little “Lazy Scranton,” and read them. Learn them. Live them.
On Women:
“In my opinion the third date is traditionally the one where you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don’t know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I’ll know for sure.”
“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There’s a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain. “Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?” You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.”
On Toby:
“Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.”
“Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not … that way. I hate … so much about the things that you choose to be.”
On Technology:
“When I said that I was king of forwards, you’ve got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”
“Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and I have a great one. ‘Little Kid Lover.’ That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.”
“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.”
“Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.”
On Treating Yourself:
“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day.”
On Being the Boss:
“Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.”
On Reverse Psychology:
“Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don’t know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.”
On Loyalty:
“I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It’s like with fireman: You don’t leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.”
“Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice … strike three.”
On Medicine:
“In the medicine community, “negative” means good. Which makes absolutely no sense.”
“Last week I would’ve given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would’ve reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, ‘Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.'”
On Money:
“I … DECLARE … BANKRUPTCY!”
On Drugs:
“This year, more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.”
On Love:
“I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.”
“Do I want to be feared or loved? That’s a good question. I want both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
“You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you and then you run over one person with your car — not even one of the popular ones — and everybody gets on your case. Doesn’t make any sense.”
“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.”
“Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.'”
On Winning:
“You need to play to win. But you also need to win … to play.”
“I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which we all know is completely ridiculous.”
On Jokes:
“I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one some day.”
“Jim, you’re 6’11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where’s Angela? Whoa there you are, I didn’t see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you’re gay. Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.”
On Babies:
“I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it’s because they see me as one of them. But … cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no … government, and … things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.”
On History:
“Corporate has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 10,000 years of being weirded out by gays.”
“Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North.'”
On His Philosophy:
“My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter … where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or … or where you’ve been … ever. For any reason, whatsoever.”
“Never, ever, ever give up.”
“A man is laying on his death bed. There are four things that are going through his mind: Was I well loved? Check. Did I express myself, did I let my light shine through? Check. Will an attractive woman cry at my funeral? Check. Probably more than one. Check, check check check. Lastly, did I achieve success and own real estate?”
On What She Said:
“That’s what she said.”
Tell us: What’s your favorite Michael Scott quote?
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The Office, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.
