It’s finally here! Adriana is finally (after five years of already being wed) getting married! But before we see the hot mess that is Adriana on her big, ridiculous wedding that includes two different themes, let’s rewind 24 hours and see all of the crazy hijinx that led up to her big (repeat) moment.
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Pre-Wedding Jitters
It’s the day before her wedding, and of course, like any other bride-to-be, Adriana is having her husband fiance inject B12 shots into her rear end. Because of course she is. And she’s already really pressed because she has to do everything, including getting Alex a pair of shoes that fit, get her nails done, get her eyebrows waxed and get her “Amazon” waxed, which I can only assume she’s talking about her privates. Gross.
Alexia and Lea meet Joanna and Lisa at the beach. Lisa brings up the drama that happened last week at Alexia’s party with Marysol. She is not pleased with the way that Marysol, someone she considered a friend, spoke to her. Of course, Alexia defends Marysol, saying that she would have never confronted Lea in the first place if she hadn’t really been hurt.
On the day of Adriana’s wedding, Joanna goes to visit Lea at her home. Lea’s house is still under construction, so the two of them hang out and chat inside her closet, which is honestly bigger than my apartment. Lea admits that although she’s sad about what has happened between her and Adriana, she’s glad she didn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of being invited.
Brazilian Bridezilla
Here is the infuriating timeline that is Adriana’s wedding day (keep in mind the wedding starts at 6pm at a church across the street):
2pm: Adriana arrives at the bridal suite of the Biltmore where she is having her reception. Her sister and niece are there, too, but her mother and other sister couldn’t make it. Probably because SHE’S BEEN MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS.
3:30pm: Alexia and Marysol arrive to the bridal suite. Adriana still hasn’t even gotten in the shower.
4:10pm: No change in Adriana’s state of dress. She talks about how she wants to take her time and enjoy the moment this time around.
Lisa arrives and decides to put on a happy face in front of Marysol because the day of Adriana’s wedding is neither the time nor place for them to hash out their problems.
5pm: Frederic comes into the suite with his parents to check on Adriana’s progress. She greets him in a Silence of the Lambs facial mask and a robe. She lays down on the bed and laments about how no one can get anything done without her, but they’re just going to have to manage because now she’s getting dizzy. At this point, the bridesmaids are trying not to lose it with her.
6pm: Adriana’s wedding planner comes to collect the bride and the bridal party from the suite, and — surprise, surprise — the bride is not ready. The wedding planner tells them the minister said that she’s starting at 6:05pm with or without the bride. Marysol points out that that is ridiculous, that she can’t start without the bride, but still tries to encourage Adriana to move faster, nonetheless.
6:55pm: Lenny, who is standing with Frederic at the church, calls Lisa to get a status update. Lisa tells him she is just getting into her dress.
Adriana finally gets dressed and she’s wearing a gorgeous gown with a full grey tulle skirt. But she is not pleased with the way the veil looks, so she rips it until it’s to her liking.
7:25pm: Adriana finally arrives at the church. Her son Alex walks her down the aisle, and Adriana and Frederic uses Mama Elsa’s mantilla wedding veil during the ceremony. And yadda, yadda, yadda, man and wife.
8:30pm: The bridal party retreat to their bridal suite, while guests of the wedding are forced to change into their second looks in the hotel gift shop changing room and in the parking lot. BUT IT’S ADRIANA’S DAY, so they don’t really matter.
9pm: The time that the reception was supposed to start comes and goes.
10pm: Marysol and Lisa take a moment away from getting ready for the reception to talk about their personal drama, even though Lisa made it clear she didn’t want to do that. Lisa tells Marysol that she didn’t like how she attacked Lea and she’s allowed to have an opinion about it. And Marysol defends herself, saying that she has a right to be mad because it involves her dear ailing mother.
10:35pm: Frederic comes up to the suite to tell Adriana to hurry because the whole party is a catastrophe and guests are leaving. But the more anyone pressures Adriana, the more irritable she gets. She doesn’t understand why everyone else doesn’t just deal with her being on “Brazilian time” and the fact that it’s her day.
10:45pm: Lisa arrives at the party only to find an extremely ticked off Lenny. He’s tired and he’s had it with Adriana’s rudeness, and he just wants to leave and go home and go to bed. He and Lisa have a bit of a verbal tit-for-tat at the table until he gets up to go. But she convinces him to at least stay for dinner and then they can both bounce.
11pm: Adriana finally arrives to the reception so the party can start in her second look, which is a ridiculous white number with cleavage for miles and a stupid feather head piece. I mean, at this point, she could be wearing the greatest dress ever created and I would still be annoyed with her attitude.
There’s (eventually) food and dancing. Some guy in a tux even takes three tries to try and open a bottle of champagne with a saber.
This party may have been even less successful than R.J. Black’s 13th birthday party. It doesn’t look like Joanna is going to have much trouble topping this one.
The Real Housewives of Miami airs Mondays at 10pm on Bravo.
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(Image courtesy of Bravo)
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
