Life is complicated. TV can help. “What Would TV Do?” attempts to explore life’s mysteries, problems and everyday situations with the assistance of the life lessons offered by television.
We’re now entering crunch time for holiday preparations. Are you ready? Are your presents purchased? Decorations up? Gifts wrapped? Egg nogged?
If the answer is “no” or “eek!” to any of these questions, you may need some help from TV. Because television knows all about preparing for the holidays. TV practically created holiday preparations! And you can use this wisdom for your betterment.
There are a lot of lessons to learn about the holidays, but the most important has to do with presents. That’s because presents are awesome. Unfortunately, you must first deal with the hassle of purchasing and wrapping those presents. Such a problem!
What would TV do?
Use your car as a battering ram in the shopping mall parking lot.
Unless you live in a cutesy, Gilmore Girls-like town, TV knows that you’re going to buy your gifts at a shopping mall. Along with everyone else on the planet.
This means that parking will be a problem. But television provides an easy solution — the automobile.
If you see anyone heading to their car, follow them. A few inches between your bumper and their legs are sufficient. If there is any gap between other cars and, say, a fire hydrant, use your car to force your way into that space, crushing the other (hopefully smaller) vehicles if necessary. And if someone challenges you for parking, follow the example of Lois from Malcolm in the Middle and destroy them.
You can deal with the car repairs on Dec. 26.
Be prepared to carry armloads of bags.
You can’t just go buy a single gift. Or even a couple of gifts. It’s not efficient (see above, re: parking). So you must always plan on purchasing at least three dozen gifts per trip.
Don’t have enough friends and family for so many gifts? TV does not accept this. Maybe if you bought more gifts, you’d have more friends.
Whatever incredible gift you buy, someone else will buy it as well.
It’s that whole “Gift of the Magi” thing. Gifts always go wrong. Sometimes comically, sometimes tragically.
If you don’t understand the “Gift of the Magi” reference, either brush up on your O Henry or check out the Sesame Street version.
Save your receipts.
Wrap your gifts appropriately.
There is a right way and a wrong way to wrap presents. Television’s way is the right way.
No matter what present you purchase, it must be wrapped in a box. All TV presents come in boxes, including bicycles and puppies.
You must have a bow on your box. It’s not a Christmas present without a bow.
The body and lid of your gift box must be wrapped separately. This allows the recipient to simply remove the lid to find the present inside. The holidays (and the 22-minute time slot) do not allow for the wasted time necessary for the ripping of paper and tape.
With these simple steps, you can follow television’s example and prepare for your absolutely perfect holiday celebration.
(Images and videos courtesy of FOX, the CW, NBC and the Children’s Television Workshop)
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Laurel grew up in Mamaroneck, NY, Grosse Pointe, MI and Bellevue WA. She then went on to live in places like Boston, Tucson, Houston, Wales, Tanzania, Prince Edward Island and New York City before heading back to Seattle. Ever since early childhood, when she became addicted to The Muppet Show, Laurel has watched far too much TV. Current favorites include Chuck, Modern Family, Supernatural, Mad Men and Community. Laurel received a BA in Astrophysics (yes, that is possible) from Colgate University and a PhD in Middle Eastern Studies and History of Science from Columbia University before she realized that television is much better than studying.
